i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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