I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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