you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
