I could make wine with my vomit
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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