Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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