Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
