my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize