so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
