I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
