you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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