I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
