i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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