I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he shaved USA in his pubs
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
