Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
