anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
