The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
