Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
