I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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