i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
