You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
