There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
