Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
