Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
