I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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