so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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