My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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