I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
