Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
