the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
