The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
