This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
