my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
