Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
