What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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