I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
