Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
