Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
