She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
