at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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