i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
