We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So I just went to clothing optional bar
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
