i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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