you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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