I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
