i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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