are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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