I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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