Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
