dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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