You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
