the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
