I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
i believe in u and ur pee
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
