Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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