if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
