Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
