its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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