If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
