Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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